It has come to my attention, by both a comment on my first Litterbox segment and by many of my friends, that my title is not self-explanatory enough. I’ve decided, for the sake of all seven of my readers, to enlighten you all.

            My cat, who is gorgeous and filled with more contempt for humans and dogs than a senior for freshmen, is often puzzled by the condition I return to her each day. Waiting for me at the front door is her daily chore, and every time I meet her I am greeted with the same questions:

                        1. Do you know how long I’ve been sitting here for you?

                        2. Where are my treats?

                        3. Why do you keep going back to that place?

            I am only willing to answer her last question. You see, I see high school as a jumble of joys and despairs, waves of stress and pleasures beating against our faces like the tide of the ocean or, as I have tried explaining it to my cat, the smells of her litter box. She listens, while pretending that she’s not of course, as I give her her own version of high school. My first topic is usually the litter box.

            Don’t misunderstand; the litter box is not a bad thing. Yes, there are unfortunate sides to a cat’s litter box, namely the smell, but my cat understood exactly what I meant when I said that it was essential to happiness. Think of that one person in your life who’s always there for you, who always supports you. They can make any situation good. They can help you see the light in the darkness—the clean in the dirty. They will take anything you give them, and even if you treat them like crap—pardon my French—they will endure, make the horrible situation a little bit better, and eventually, send the worries and pains far, far away. That one person, my friends, is your litter box.

            Now, don’t be alarmed. Though it may seem a bit exciting to know that you, too, have your own litter box, don’t overreact. The one thing that you need to do is recognize that person. Think of the one in your life who’s there for you. It could be a parent, a friend, a neighbor, that guy who gives you your cappuccino every morning at Starbucks. Whoever it may be, go to that person, look them in the eye, maybe put a reassuring hand on their shoulder and tell them, “You are my litter box.”

            Trust me. It will fill them with tears of joy.

            That aside, the litter box is perhaps the most important accessory of high school survival. (The air freshener is a close second, but we’ll concern ourselves with that later.) Once you’ve located and recognized your litter box, be sure to keep a close connection with it. Spend time with it and, if possible, try to assure it that you can serve as a litter box as well. Never ignore, shun, or avoid the litter box for too long a period of time or its healing effects will be muffled.

            Also, if your litter box is getting a bit cranky or irritable with you, it’s probably because you haven’t dealt with the poop in a while. Any grudges or issues you haven’t talked to with each other for a while will begin to build and start to stink up your relationship. Don’t be afraid to dig up those issues, even if it stirs up the smell, put them in a baggie, and resolve it with a twisty tie that you both agree on. If it gets too bad, you and your litter box may never have the same relationship again and you’ll have to work extremely hard to get the relationship back to its original state.

            Yes, a litter box is a lot of work, often takes a lot of time and attention for it to work properly, but it is, in the end, always beneficial. Especially in high school, litter boxes are the greatest things you will ever achieve. So be sure to tell your litter box of their status, maybe even shout it in joy in the lunch room whilst triumphantly holding a litter shovel above your head, or perhaps give them a medal that proclaims them as your one and only litter box. Any which way you decide to express it, always know that your litter box is a true blessing.