WARNING: This piece is pure satire. Do not take any of the ideas or proposals in this article as serious or legitimate advice.

Homecoming is coming home!

It’s seriously really close. Oh, you don’t know how you’re going to ask her? No worries! Here are 10 fantastic ideas for asking all types of gals to this once in a lifetime event!

For the food lover

Approach your special someone and ask her to go with you bluntly. Proceed to spray her with canned cheese until she says yes. Play One Direction in the background for romantic effect.

For the mathematician

Create for her a 15 page test on her arithmetic ability. Include multiple step questions and plenty of differential and derivative equations. Make the answer key spell out your proposal for Homecoming. If she can’t finish it, she’s not worth your affections anyway.

For the chocolate lover

Coat her entire house in chocolate. This includes: outside, inside, bathrooms, bed sheets, the refrigerator, pantries and all the food within, her clothes, her pets… (Oh, leave a note about Homecoming somewhere in there.)

For the problem solver

Buy 10 copies of The Beatles White Album 500 piece puzzle. Complete them all—not all love is without some sacrifice!—and line them up. Spray paint “Homecoming?” across them and mix them up again. Don’t be afraid to put the whole thing in one big box!

For the adventurous

Take your love out to the middle of the Rockies and equip her with a box of matches and a hatchet. Her three day expedition should prove her love for you.  If she survives, you shall be wed! And don’t forget to ask her to Homecoming when she comes back; you know, if she does.

For the car fanatic

Take a bottle of spray paint, the permanent kind, and cover her new car in that big question. This way—assuming she says yes, of course—she will always remember your thoughtful and romantic proposal.

For the humorous

You have to make sure your love has been drinking a lot of water for this one. When she’s in desperate need for the restroom, guide her to the one of your choice. Be sure you’ve pasted a sign saying “Yes” on the girl’s door and one saying “No” on the boy’s door. Once you get there, ask if she will go with you. It’s either “yes” or break social norms! She’ll think you’re a riot!

For the music lover

Write her a romantic ballad for two bagpipes. Choose the easier part for yourself—naturally—and don’t forget to get yourself and your love bagpipes; this way, if she refuses to have any knowledge of bagpipes, you can inform her that she has a bagpipe and annotated sheet music in her locker. Naturally, if she is unable or refuses to play, her dedication is questionable and you are free to look for a new partner.

For the artist

You might have to get your parent’s permission for this one. Find a nice picture of your lucky lady and go to a tattoo parlor. Get her face permanently inked on your back and surround it with “Homecoming?”. Show off your magnificent scar of love as soon as you can! She’ll be love struck!

For the goodie-two-shoes

Call 9-1-1 on her and tell the police that she’s stolen your heart. When she comes to bail you out for misusing the emergency number, give her a note through the bars of your cell. She’ll be so flustered and touched that you’ve done so much for her, she has no choice but to accept.