Jack the Giant Slayer –  PG-13

Running Time: 114 min.

Director: Bryan Singer

Lead Actors: Nicholas Hoult, Stanley Tucci, Ewan McGregor

Rating: 3

When going to the cinema with my grandparents for my very late birthday celebration, I was concerned with the single movie we were cornered into seeing, as all the rest were either terrible or terrifying. I had seen one commercial in February and nothing else. I honestly had no expectations when entering Jack the Giant Slayer: all of them were met.

I need not mention the age old story of Jack and the Beanstalk, but I wished it had been more prevalent in the movie that supposedly took its skin. In this version, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is a young man who had recently been orphaned and left to his uncle, who was less than eager to take on the empty-headed dreamer as help. Jack’s life changes when he meets the princess Isabelle (Elanor Tomlinson) in town and saves her from ruffians. Blah blah, magic beans, blah blah, Isabelle is stuck up in the world of giants. Personally, I found the plot itself rusty and uninteresting. The idea that every bad guy has a worse guy at his right hand ready to step on him when he gets shot in the face is hilarious, but other than these cute anecdotes the train of the movie was totally aimless.

The acting was also stale and unconvincing. I’m not sure about most others, but watching Jack fawn over this woman he knew for three minutes was more creepy than endearing. Especially since the most recent movie Hoult has been in was Warm Bodies in which he was a brilliant zombie. I wondered if they ever mentioned to him that his character had a pulse. Tomlinson’s character was also a tedious one to play, though perhaps not Tomlinson’s own fault. Isabelle herself was a weak character, and I doubt any actress could make her any more likable.

The only gleam of light that I found throughout the entire movie was the character of Elmont, played by Ewan McGregor who is my absolute favorite actor. Naturally, I was enamored with him throughout the movie, ultimately upset when I realized what his line, “I may not be the hero, but at least I get to know how it ends,” really meant. It meant that he saved the day and Jack got the girl. If that keeps him awesome, I guess it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

The strange thing about it all was while walking out of the theatre; I was almost stuck in some weird euphoria. I think the amount of death and destruction took me by such a surprise that I felt giddy about it. I mean, I knew the movie was going to be violent, but people were being eaten left and right—face first, mind you—and horses and their riders were being stepped on without a second thought. Some of the worst things weren’t even shown; a lot of the disgusting violent acts these giants were committing were implied. Ewan McGregor was nearly turned into a pig-the-blanket for crying out loud! Next to real pigs! Funniest part of the movie if you ask me. Long paragraph short, this movie was the most violent bloodless movie I’ve ever watched. It was ridiculous.

In nearly every category I was disappointed, yet the movie still deserves a few positive points for the feeling of ten minute ecstasy I felt immediately after its end. I was laughing and jumping around my grandparents, who also were laughing, musing on how unexpectedly violent and hilariously painful that movie was until the fun wore off and all that was left was a giant disappointment.